So no pictures tonight. I feel a need to vent and didn't think a Facebook status was the best way to do it. I am having one of those nights when I am not sure I want to be a mom anymore. Now, I know deep in my heart that I really don't want to go back to my life before the girls were in it. But sometimes the hard work and the mistakes that I make seem like too much to handle.
Tonight I put the girls to bed and thought I would try a new tactic. They like to get up a lot after they have gone to bed so I told them that I would check on them in a little bit and whoever went to sleep first got the last cinnamon roll. I figured if they were both out, I would make more (have frozen ones in the freezer). A half-hour later, it looked like Meskerem was asleep and Kidist was still squirming around in her bed. "Great," I thought, "the reward system might work." Not so fast, I suppose. Another half-hour later, Meskerem comes to get me to tell me that Kidist is crying. I go check on her and Kidist tells me that she bumped her knee on her bed when she got up to go to the bathroom. I kiss it and tuck her back in. Everything is quiet again, for a few minutes. Then Kidist gets up and comes to tell me that Meskerem pinched her. So I go back in, Meskerem doesn't deny it. When asked why she did it, she doesn't answer and shrugs, then laughs. That causes her to get a spanking. Then all the drama lets loose and she is screaming and crying. So I take her out of the room that she shares with Kidist and take her to the office bed and tell her she will stay there until she is done crying. All through this I have repeated that I love her, but that she is just not allowed to pinch her sister. She is still crying as I type this. I have checked on her a couple of times and she is not interested in stopping crying or talking to me. Every time I check on her, I kiss her and hug her and tell her I love her.
My mood is better, but I am so tired that I just don't feel like I have the strength to keep being the mom they need. I guess God is breaking me in new ways every day. I don't like spanking the kids. Mostly because I have a hard time not doing it out of anger. I have been better lately, but tonight I allowed myself to be pushed over the edge. That makes me mad at myself, makes me feel guilty and makes me feel like I am a failure as a mom.
If you read this far, thanks. I don't usually feel like this, but if this is going to be an honest web journal, there are going to be some messy emotions and not every post is going to be full of sweetness and light. I feel a little better putting it all out there. Not sure why I feel the need to share. Maybe another mom will find this and realize that she isn't alone in the feelings she is having. I just hope God can use it to help someone.
Just as a reminder to me of how far we have come, here is a photo of all of the adoptive families that were at the guest house with us in Addis Ababa when I got the girls. As you can see the girls have grown a ton.